My Rollercoaster Ride to Heaven

Lately, I haven’t been myself. 

I am usually a jolly person and I don’t usually take things too seriously but lately, I’ve changed. I blame anxiety. Since the time I’ve worked where I work now, unfortunately, I have experienced anxiety attacks. I haven’t been diagnosed, just to be clear. But I am constantly anxious. I’ve had to go through nights when I’d just start hyperventilating and shaking, I would rock back and forth, I would have random bursts of irritability, hypersensitivity, I would zone out, pace back and forth and sometimes, I’d just be silent. This bullshit has affected my life in the past few months in ways that I couldn’t even begin to explain. 

It’s eating away at me. 

Luckily, I have friends who are willing to listen when I wanna talk and who check on me from time to time. And best of all, I have a boyfriend who has learned to understand what I have to go through because of my tendency to overthink and be depressed. He always does his best to be there for me and he won’t leave me until I feel better,

I don’t know where I’d be or what I would be doing right now if it had not been for these people.

Last year was terrible, but this year is a combination of good and bad things. I’ve had super happy moments especially because of my BuBu, but the bad times also got worse. I don’t know if it’s because my tolerance for handling crap decreased or things ACTUALLY got worse. All I know is that right now, I am tired. I am tired of everything. I feel like I’ve had to go thru a lot of shit this year. Everything seems to suck. 

I’m tired of feeling this way. I hope 2018 will kick 2017′s ass!

Wish me luck!

XX

LOL.

So if you have been following me for some time, you may have already noticed that I don’t post here regularly but when I post, I post a lot in one sitting. :D

Here’s a little bit of update on what’s been happening to me recently. 

 After I became single, I started entertaining guys again. And I’ve been talking to some of them but no one’s really standing out yet. 

Until one day when my crush (LOL, so high school) from maybe 14 years ago suddenly sent me a message on Facebook. Actually, we talked maybe 5 years ago, but that was it. Here’s a little background story: he was my neighbor 14 years ago. At that time, he already had a kid. Yeah, he’s a bit older than I am. So during the time that we were still neighbors, he tried several times to ask for my number from one of my friends. Of course, that made me kilig. But we never really did anything about. Then he started working abroad and my family and I moved to a different house. I thought that was it, until Facebook became a thing, and we reconnected. We would talk from time to time, but that was it.

Fast-forward to early November 2016, he’s still hot as sh*t, by the way. So he sent a message and we started catching up. Until the time that he admitted his feelings towards me. So he was practically courting me, from overseas. HAHA. I just kept teasing him about it. Like when he asked when I would be his girlfriend, I said, “Next week as I’m kinda busy right now.” We laugh a lot when we talk. Oh and he mentioned that he’s coming home this coming January. 

But here’s the catch, he’s married. Ooops, don’t judge me.

And don’t worry, I am not taking any of this seriously. We’re just having fun. Ugh, this makes me sound like such a hoe. All I’m saying is, I am not willing to put myself in the position to be his side chick. We’re just friends. I know his wife won’t appreciate that we talk everyday. But I’ve started replying less and less to his messages, though. He still sends me “I love you” messages everyday and he even calls me “love love”. So cheesy. LOL. I don’t reply to those messages. I don’t want him to think I am a willing prey. He’s obviously a fuccboi and I have enough of those in my life already. I just enjoy talking to him in particular because I know him well. Or I should say, I know him better than the other guys I talk to. 

So yeah, don’t judge me. I am not doing anything sinister nor do I have any plan to. 

That’s it for now. Talk to you again soon!

XX

PS. Don’t mind the title. That’s not me saying I am tempted to be a side chick, hence the LOL in the beginning. :P

So I realized I have not posted here for quite some time and after posting about my last LDR relationship, I think it’s only proper that I give y’all an update. 

Well, we did break up.

Yes, a few days after our 3rd month, I broke up with him. Some people actually found it surprising that that happened. Until now, some people would ask me what happened. I don’t mind answering all their questions, though. I can’t blame them. They probably never saw it coming. I didn’t really share my dilemma (at that time) with a lot of people. 

So here’s what happened. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was no longer happy to be in a relationship with him. The fire had burned out. 

Also, I have noticed some of his traits that I couldn’t stand. One would be how dismissive he was. Like, as a woman, I am a talkative creature by nature. So when I talk, I need you to just listen to me. And I want you to remember what I say. It makes me giddy when a guy remembers tiny details about me that I couldn’t even remember sharing. But my ex, he wasn’t like that. When I tell him stuff, instead of responding to what I just said, or comforting me when I tell him about how stressed I was, he would share something about himself, and then the topic shifts. Like it’s a competition. He would be like, “Oh okay, here’s my story.”. Come on! I need someone to tell everything to but I can’t do that if you keep talking over me. That just annoys the hell outta me. I mean, he’s allowed to talk too, but can he at least wait for me to finish? 

Another thing, this may sound too shallow to some of you, but it’s important to me. I can’t stand that he doesn’t know how to speak proper English. I was an English teacher, my eyes and ears are trained to notice the tiniest mistakes. And it’s not like I require him to speak to me in English. He could do so in our native language, instead of forcing himself to speak a language he is not fully comfortable in. It makes me cringe every time I remember how often he committed grammar mistakes. And I tried to subtly correct him, several times, but he never got it. I don’t know if he ignored my efforts to correct him or he just didn’t really fully understand that he made a mistake. UGH. 

To be honest, the second one was probably the main reason why I decided to break up with him. You know why? I just felt like if something that trivial annoyed the f outta me, it just showed that I don’t really love him. Don’t you think so? I just think that when you truly love a person, stuff like that won’t bother you as much as it did me. So I didn’t want to waste my time and his and I decided to just end the relationship. It made me think that it was only going to go downhill from there. 

Being in a long-distance relationship, I opted to just break up with him by sending him a message. I tried to tell him in the nicest way possible and I even offered to remain friends. 

And that was it.

There’s another thing that happened that convinced me that I did the right thing. When I broke up with him, instead of feeling sad that the relationship was over, unfortunately, I felt relief. I was glad that it was over. I felt free. I am so sorry, this makes me sound like such a terrible person. But I’m just being honest. 

I wish him nothing but the best, though. He was a really nice guy, he was just not for me. I hope he finds the girl he deserves soon. :)

XX  

First of all, I don’t even know why I am writing about this. To be honest, I don’t want to entertain whatever feelings I am having coz I feel like it’s just going to make it real or like a big deal (if that makes sense) but whatever! A bit of warning though, I’ll be kinda vague so bear with me. Here we go…

I am a terrible person. I don’t know why I am feeling this way. I don’t know if it’s because of that thing I recently found out about (gawd, I hope not) or because of the tiny annoying things that have accumulated in the recent past.

I am losing interest - I think. Or am I? Gosh, I am so confused. I just don’t feel the same way I did in the beginning. Sometimes I feel like I want to give up but other times, I feel like I should stick it out and give it a try.

I think the second option is better but I can’t help but get annoyed everytime I try to make it seem like everything’s okay.

Ugh. I hope I make my freakin’ mind up soon. This isn’t fair for the people involved. And I am not someone who does things halfheartedly.

I can do this. So help me God.
;)

I guess it’s one of those days when adulting just seems to be too much for me. I must admit, I am not so good at handling stress. One reason could be because I am such a worry-wart. I am one of those people who stress about stress before it even comes. You get the point, right?

Well, this post is an attempt to unload a little, so bear with me. 

Today, well, these past few days, I have been feeling like I’m about to explode like that fart you’ve been holding in because you’re in a meeting with your boss. Yes, that feeling of impending doom. I don’t know if I am just making a mountain out of molehills (yes, plural) but I can’t help but feel like my life is a total mess. 

Let me try to let you in on what’s going on in my mind, okay?

First off, I am in a terrible pickle money-wise. I think this is the heaviest burden on me right now. It’s not as bad as other people’s financial woes, I guess but I am just not used to this situation. Like, growing up, yeah, we had tons of problems with moolah, but this time, it’s MY problem, ya know? This is no one else’s problem, so it’s tough. I don’t know how I would be able to get through this as of now, but I am praying that this will be resolved soon. #SoHelpMeGod This is all my fault, I know. And the thing is, I don’t want to bother other people with my problems, especially when it’s about money. UGH. I just wish some sort of miracle would happen and this would be over sooner rather than later.

Another thing, I am grateful for my job, but damn, man, it gets super stressful, let me tell ya. I am responsible for a lot of things and numerous people are counting on me not to mess up and that fact is getting on my head. I can handle most things that entail my job, but when it comes to the legal/formal/etc parts of it, I get so anxious. Don’t get me wrong, I am not into some illegal shit. It’s just that there are so many documents and requirements and it’s making me dizzy. I just wish one of the people involved in this business would help me out. It’s not as if I have all the time (and energy) to do everything for them. I can’t go to the government offices after a shift that ends at 4am. Also, I have no knowledge whatsoever when it comes to these things, man. I just think it would be nice if I’d be exempted from all THAT stress. That’s my only wish. I can handle all the matters within the business - the people, the clients, the events - but please spare me from the legal side of it. Please.

Next. Well, this one is quite minor and I can’t even fully understand why this is messing with my head. Anyway, here goes. A few days ago, I stumbled upon a picture of my ex (yes, the bodyguard) It wasn’t posted by him, it was posted by someone else. The thing is, upon seeing that photo, I realized that he’s here again (he’s a foreigner, remember?) and that bothered me more than it should. I don’t know why, but I feel like he shouldn’t be vacationing or whatever here, in my country (I know I am being absolutely unreasonable since he has a lot of friends here, but whatever) Well, after seeing that IG post, i decided to look into the OP’s profile, and guess what I found out? Apparently, that OP is his business partner here in the PH. Yes, he now owns a company here, too. I was like, “whuuut?” That means he has a reason to spend A LOT of time here in MNL and I’m not ready for that. I would be more comfortable knowing he’s miles away from me, to be honest. Anyhoo, when I found out that he’s established a company here, the first thing that came to my mind was our agreement before. Let me give you a little flashback: When we fell in love, he wanted so much to live here. But I discouraged him from doing so. Why? The only reason is because I don’t want him to be rushing into such a major decision. He owns a company in his country and I don’t want him to just pack up and leave all that because of me. I wouldn’t want to be blamed somewhere down the road if he suddenly feels miserable here. So I told him, he can live here with me, as long as he finds a way to explain to his family and his business partners first what he wants to happen. AND, he needs to find a job/income-generating activity here (I know he has a lot of money but I don’t think that’ll last him his whole lifetime, plus, knowing how men think, he probably won’t be so happy to be a kept man either) So there. That was our agreement. Until I decided to break up with him (amidst the aggressive protests of my friends and countless “He’s already trying to fulfill his promise!” [FYI, someone told me before that he was trying to close business deals here like a year ago. I just didn’t believe them]) So you see why it kinda bothers me that he now has a business here? I can’t help but think this probably started as his way of keeping his promise to me. THAT bothers me. I know, I know, I am in a relationship now, but I told you, I don’t know why this is affecting me this much. It doesn’t help that I have been getting so easily annoyed with my boyfriend nowadays thinking that he has changed i.e, not being as sweet as before (before I even found out that the ex is here) Ugh, women problems. I know my boyfriend loves me. And I love him. It’s just this woman thing that makes me so impatient towards the boyfriend (LDR problems) So yeah, I sure hope this unsettling feeling of breathing the same air as my ex goes away soon.

Wow, I DO feel better now, after having typed all that. Anyway, that’s just a glimpse of the clutter in my brain nowadays. I hope I don’t go nuts soon. LOL.

Thank you, Tumblr for being an outlet.

Wish me luck, guys. 

XX

Hahaha, here I am again - falling for someone. That means, y’all can expect me to post lovey-dovey stuff again. :)

I met this guy last April Fools’ day, LOL. Yes, I know, right? At first, I also thought it was a joke and he was just like the other guys I’ve met recently - you know, those so-called F*ckBoys. :D But no, he isn’t (thank God), I guess it’s also because of his age. He’s a few years older than me. 

When I started talking to him, I was just trying to pass the time, but then I realized how much we have in common. We live so close to each other, meaning, we must have bumped into each other a few times without realizing that a few years down the line, we’d be so important to each other. The funny thing is, he is now in another country, KSA (yes, I am once again involved with someone far away LOL). Can you imagine? All our lives, we’ve been living within a mile of each other and we never had the chance to actually meet, and yet now that he’s miles away in another country, destiny (naks) found a way to introduce us to each other. :D

Right now, we are exclusively dating (wow, haha!) I’ve never actually been in a relationship like that. But being a straightforward person, I asked him one time, “What do you really want from me?” I know, some might say it’s too soon to be asking questions like that, but at my age, I don’t really wanna beat around the bush anymore. :D I wanted to know if he wanted me as a girlfriend or if he wanted nothing more than a night. So after I asked him that, he replied, “I want to court you, but I wanna do it the old-fashioned way.” and to that, my response was, “Good, because I want to make it official once you’re actually here.” so that’s why we decided to just call our situation, “exclusively dating”. 

We talk like every waking hour of the day (luckily, our schedules match), we call each other babe or baby and we say I love you to each other, but I still can’t call him my boyfriend. LOL. Am I even making sense? Anyway, it is what it is. What’s important is we make each other very happy. :D

I can’t wait to be with this guy.

He’s the sweetest. And I mean that - and not just with the “I love you” stuff, but also with the little things. He checks on me all the time, he gives me advice with like family situations, work stress and stuff. He’s also met my mom and my sister (thru videocall) and everything’s been great. My mom even said, out loud, with him on the phone, “Sagutin mo na sya!” to which he replied, “Si Tara na po ang makakapag-decide nyan.” 

But the thing I love most about this guy is he never stopped me from doing what I wanna do. He’s that understanding. If you know me, you know that I am very hard-headed. I grew up with a mom who’s always given me the liberty to choose my path. And so, I easily get annoyed when guys try and stop me from doing my own thing. For instance, if I want to drink till morning with my friends, it’s okay that the guy would say something like, “Okay, but be careful and don’t drink too much.” but if the guy would be like, “what the fuck, no, go home now!” I’d be pissed. I’ve had boyfriends like that, and obviously, it didn’t really work out. To think that I have more vices than this guy. But he’s very accepting, Early on, I let him know that I smoke, I drink, I have tattoos, I go out a lot and sometimes super late at night and randomly, I curse a lot, etc, and I asked him if he’s okay with that. You know what he told me? He said that he is falling for me and not for my vices. He even went on to saying, “Hindi naman bilangan ng bisyo ang isang relationship.” Whew! What a relief. :)

Nowadays, we enjoy talking to each other and we both can’t wait to be together physically. In God’s will, he’ll be here on September (my birthday month, woot!) and then we can start building our future together. Although, he’s actually made a lot of plans already. Fortunately, I like a man who’s not scared to take the wheel.

I don’t know where this would end, but I guess, I’ll cross the bridge when I get there. 

This is all for now. I know it’s long, but yeah, this is it for now. 

I will keep you posted.